******Storm*******

I wrote this story a while ago. It was inspired by a thread I read on Islamway. I had to link it offsite because it's a PDF file. http://ummannuman.site90.net/1_6_Free.html

Love to know what you think insha'Allah.

Umm An-Nu'man

Masha ALlah it's lovely to read it, I didn't understand every word in the beginning (descriptions) but I really enjoy reading it, masha Allah
for sharing

You described it very vividly, MashaAllah, I could see it clearly in my mind. It is sad that some people don't even want to understand the hijaab.

I do have one thing to say and that at one point I felt the dialogue lacked a touch of authenticity. It seemed "too formal" to my ears, if you know what I mean. Only at one point ;) However, I am "a teenager" (well, I just turned 21, actually, but at heart I'm a teenager :P) so that could be why. You wrote so clearly, I felt the girl was me and I didn't think I would talk as formal that ;) But other than that, it was very suspenseful and I enjoyed reading it.

As Salamu Alaikum

Masha Allah you are very talented sister Umm An-Nu'man.

I enjoyed reading it.

sis Amina..can you pls. tell me which part you felt that? This way I can go back and have a re-read insha'Allah. for your feedback.

But I just noticed that I misspelled pouring in the story...i put purring like a cat!...lol...

sisters for your feedback! Sis Zaza, glad you enjoyed the story

Umm An-Nu'man

Oh, here is the part. It's just the tag question in this line.

I’m sure we can discuss this with some degree of civility, can we not?”

I think that I would write, "can't we?" Or "Don't you think so?" instead of "can we not?" I mean, to me, I think we are more likely to speak using contractions, you know what I mean?

That's all :)

I read it last night and I was really in the story too. I would have opened the dictionary a few times if it was at hand - maybe it is good to expand the vocabulary if it is written for school children to read.
I didn't notice the purring instead of pouring but i think that you meant to type raging instead of ragging?

Alhamdulilah that my own mother did not react like that mum in the story - actually she has worn hijab out of respect when she visited me in the UAE and here in Libya even though she is not yet muslim and was not requested to wear it by me or my husband mashaAllah

May Allah guide our non-Muslim loved-ones to Islam and increase people's understanding of this beautiful and the only true religion.

WaSalaamu alaikum,
Aisha

I put raging??? What was I doing when I was typing? Loool.... I'll have to fix that insha'Allah.

The story is really for high school/adults. And, the contraction thingy...hmm...let me think about that. I put it that way because the mum in the story is wealthy. But maybe for the reader it will flow better if I use a contraction. Must go back and re-read insha'Allah

You know I just recently heard about how different sister's mum's reacted when they converted and it was shocking and sad. Alhamdulillah that you're mum is respectful and open-minded. May Allah guide her to this beautiful deen.

I really appreciate your feedback sisters. It's lots of help

Umm An-Nu'man

Assalamou aleikoum wa rhamatoullah wa barakatou

it is very powerful and so true for so many sisters.

Actually, my dear sister Amina, you will notice that the mother is from what we call in french ''bourgeoisie'', which I guess is upper middle class so, this would be the kind of language. Very plum in the mouth kind of english if she talked like the common people (us, lol) it would not go with her ''position in society'', nor with her ''perfectly manicure strands '' .. so, the language is according to that. The daughter does not call her ''mum/mom'' but ''Mother''. That says it all..

dear sis Um An-nu'man, did i sum up the character of the mother accurately ?

Ameen to the duas.


Khadija

As-Salaamu alaikum

sis Khadijah

I put raging???

No you put 'ragging' and assumed that you meant raging as I am only familiar with ragging as in putting rags in the hair or a way of painting the walls. So did you mean ragging? or raging? as i am a bit confused.

oohh sis Aisha...where is my mind these days?...lol.. Okay, I changed it to say "raging" not ragging...lol.

Sis Khadija...you hit it right on the target masha'Allah. That's exactly right...everything you said masha'Allah. By the way, I love this:

The daughter does not call her ''mum/mom'' but ''Mother''. That says it all..

Umm An-Nu'man

MashaAllah! I just read it and loved it!! It's very powerfully written.

The dialogue between the mother and daughter works for me because the narrator herself is articulate in her speech while she decribes the scene before us. 'High society', 'upper class', 'well educated' definately comes to mind.

I see your points, MashaAllah :D

I had, of course, noticed that she used the word "mother". However, I thought she used the term mother to reflect the distance and lack of intimacy between them. Mother is much more distant than "mom", "mama", ;) But now, I understand that it was used to reflect social background as well.

In fact, now I actually like it better with out the contraction, especially for one reason. I reread it and noticed that the mother does use a contraction. Here:

"You do remember that don't you?"

I like how you did put the contraction there, because I think the angrier people get, the less articulate they are, and even the more they lose formal speech. The mother, although a lady of status, is "raging". Her speech reflects that. It makes sense that she uses the contraction, whereas the daughter is calm and collected. She does not use a contraction. The contrast between the two is highlighted even more with their speech; who is really educated and who is not.

One last tiny thing. I would add one comma to that.
I would write it as "You do remember that, don't you?"

dear sister Amina. About your suggestion

One last tiny thing. I would add one comma to that.
I would write it as "You do remember that, don't you?"

but I did not put a comma because the mum did not pause when speaking so I did not want the reader to do so. The sentence is intended to be an independent clause so the use of a comma was not needed (in this case). A comma could be used there though. But barak Allahu feki because it made me think that maybe that would be a good post for the tutorials section insha'Allah (i.e. using commas correctly). I appreciate your feedback (keeps me on my toes ).



Umm An-Nu'man